Alright, you’ve made it to the last week of challenges. Congrats.
If you complete these (and finished the prior challenges) you should find socializing easier, more fun, less scary, and much more rewarding than before.
The first three weeks of challenges were foundations to help you get to this point. You started conversations, built trust, and opened up to people.
Some of those people may have even thought you were pretty awesome.
But it doesn’t matter how awesome you are. If you don’t build a lasting connection with them, the relationship won’t mean anything.
For example, let’s say you think George Clooney is awesome. That’s great and all, but you don’t have a connection with him. So there’s no relationship to actually speak of.
Well, let’s say you meet him. But he doesn’t learn your name, doesn’t listen to anything you say, never makes you laugh, and doesn’t make you feel good about yourself.
Would you be happy about your new relationship with George Clooney?
No.
Not at all.
He may have been an awesome person, but without a connection, there’s no real relationship.
But what if you two did connect? What if George asked you about yourself, found it fascinating, kept digging to learn more, told you some of his own interesting personal stories, thought you were funny and said you were someone he’d love to hang out with some time?
You’d be on cloud nine.
Because instead of pushing you away, he’s bonding with you. His actions are subtly saying, “Hey, we get each other. Most people don’t fully understand you, but I do. We should spend more time together.”
When you feel truly connected to someone, it’s amazing. That’s when the magic happens.
It means they like having you around. And if you’re someone they can trust and get to know, you’ll be at the top of their list – for favors, promotions, invites, gifts, and spending time together – simply because they like you more than most other people. All because they feel more connected to you.
Get good at this and the world is your oyster.
Before You Begin
Similar to last week’s challenges, these require you to have conversations with people.
You can do these challenges with anyone – friends, strangers, or anyone else. I recommend that you mix it up. You’ll broaden your skills if you can connect with strangers as well as friends.
Also, building a solid connection with someone takes time and work. Completing one challenge doesn’t guarantee that you’ll make a connection. But it will help you develop the skills needed to build connections.
For example, one of the challenges this week tells you to use the person’s name multiple times in conversation. People love hearing their name and it gets them to see you as a friend rather than an “acquaintance,” “co-worker,” or something else that isn’t personal.
Saying their name in conversation doesn’t guarantee that you’ll build a strong connection though. It’s just one tactic to help get you there. But by developing the habit of using people’s names when you speak to them, you’ll create that much better of a connection with them.
Week 4 Challenges
Challenge 13: In 5 different conversations, say the person’s name 5 times during the conversation.
This one is pretty simple, but it’s still important.
When you are having a conversation, use the other person’s name five different times. If you don’t know their name, you’ll have to get it from them.
People love hearing their own name. It gets their attention and instantly triggers a sense of friendship every time you say it.
All you have to do is use it during your conversation.
What success looks like: You just say their name as you speak to them, and do it five times.
Bonus points: Don’t limit this to just five conversations. Use the other person’s name in every conversation you have, whether it’s 10, 15, or more.
Challenge 14: Make 5 different people laugh in conversation.
I could give you some line to say, but it’s best if you come up with it on your own. I don’t know your personality, and I have no idea what kind of people you’ll talk to.
It doesn’t need to be a long, drawn-out story or anything. Just something that makes them laugh and shows them that you have a sense of humor and don’t take life too seriously (otherwise you’re boring).
All you need to do is light-heartedly say something that they aren’t expecting. The goal is to not be too serious.
For example, if someone asks me if I like Cheetos, I could say, “Yeah, they’re pretty good. But I HATE Cheese Puffs. They’re dry and fluffy and probably made by communists.”
I won’t be overly dramatic, but I won’t but be dull when saying it either. And it’d likely get a little laugh, although laughs are never guaranteed.
What success looks like: The person laughs or chuckles a little. If it’s a forced laugh, it doesn’t count. They’re just trying to fill the awkward void of a bad joke. No problem though, just keep moving forward and trying.
Bonus points: Make each person laugh more than once in conversation. If you can make people laugh, they’ll like being around you more than most other people.
Challenge 15: Give 5 different people compliments (that they earn) during a conversation.
In Week 1, you had to give a stranger a compliment to start a conversation. But they didn’t earn it with their personality. You just noticed something you liked and let them know about it.
This time, it should be a personality trait. Here are some ways they can earn a compliment:
- Sense of humor
- Positive attitude
- Nice
- Smart
- Impressive (usually with a specific skill or topic)
- Witty
And anything else you might think of.
When you’re talking to someone and you like something about their personality (not their looks or style or anything), let them know. Say something like, “I love your sense of humor. This conversation alone just made my day way better.” Or, “I love your positive attitude. The world would be such a happier place if people had an outlook like yours.”
What success looks like: If you give someone a compliment based on their personality and they earned it, you’ve succeeded. When done right, they should thank you for your nice comment (although some people aren’t good at accepting compliments and try to reject them, play them down, or say something awkward, but that’s not your fault).
Bonus points: Give more than five people compliments that they earn. You could give people a second compliment, but be careful about overdoing it. People will think that you are being fake, or that you have an agenda, or that you’re putting them on a pedestal. You don’t want people to question your intentions.
Challenge 16: With 5 different people, show good listening by relating to what they say.
This is kind of a two-part challenge. First, you have to be a good listener (and ideally you’ll be looking them in the eyes while they speak).
Then, after they finish speaking, relate to something they said. You can ask a question to dig deeper or you can talk about something related to the topic.
For example, if someone tells me they just watched the movie The Departed for the first time, I have plenty of ways to relate to it:
With questions:
- What did you think of the movie?
- How had you not seen it before?!?
- What’s the movie about? (If I hadn’t seen it, which would be a terrible slight to the movie gods.)
Or a statement:
- OMG, I love that movie. Matt Damon is so good at getting you to hate him in it.
- I love how much that movie makes you think. I had to watch it a second time before I really understood what was happening.
- I’m jealous! I love when I happen to stumble on a great movie I’ve never seen.
But you don’t have to stay on the exact topic. For example, I could ask if they’re really into movies, or if they’ve seen any other good ones lately. I don’t have to keep talking about The Departed specifically.
Socrates used deep, constant questioning to get closer to the truth. But while doing so, he built relationships so deep that people believed only Socrates knew who they truly were. All by asking questions relating to the things people told him.
By relating to the things people tell you, you’re showing them you’re listening while you’re using the info they give you to dig deeper and talk about things that interest you both, all while steering the conversation in the direction you want.
What success looks like: All you have to do is relate to one thing they say. When someone says they went swimming over the weekend, don’t reply, “Oh, cool.” Instead, ask a question to learn more or say something relevant to what they said.
Bonus points: Keep doing it in conversation. Because that’s really what a conversation is. You don’t need to constantly think of things to talk about. Instead, you listen, and if you like the current topic, dig deeper and add your own thoughts. Then it’ll morph into another topic as you relate to different parts of the current topic.
Wrap Up
You now have the pieces to the conversation puzzle. You should be able to start conversations, build trust, open up and connect with people.
Once you complete each challenge, go back and see which ones were the most difficult for you. Which ones don’t you do naturally?
Do those challenges again. Focus on improving those areas. Any time you improve any one of these areas, you’re social skills go up.
And now you have 16 (plus some extra) areas to work on. Master them all and you’ll be amazed at your new abilities.
Go out and get that social boost you came here for.
And if you’ve finished your challenges, check out what’s next for you.