Welcome to the Week 2 challenges, which show you how to build trust quickly with anyone.
Denzel Washington once said, “If you don’t trust the pilot, don’t go.” He was saying he can only give his best acting performance when he trusts his director.
Because you don’t always know whether the director is doing the right thing for your character. But if you don’t trust him, you’re going to fail.
Well, solid trust is also 100% necessary if you want to create deep, meaningful connections with people – the type of relationships that bring a closeness where the other person wants to come to you for important and personal matters.
Just like it’s easy to give a poor acting performance, it’s fairly easy to have a shallow relationship. But meaningful relationships (like Academy Award winning performances) require depth, which require trust. For example:
You might be able to get a prospect to laugh (shallow), but it doesn’t mean she’ll buy from you (deep).
You might have a good conversation with someone (shallow), but it doesn’t mean they want to hang out over the weekend (deep).
A girl might be attracted to you at the bar (shallow), but it doesn’t mean she wants to go home with you for the night (deep).
Think about a used car salesman. He’s funny and you actually like the guy.
But even then, you still keep him at an arms-length distance. Why?
You can probably guess. It’s trust (or a lack thereof).
You like what he’s saying, you’re hearing everything you want to hear, but you just don’t believe that he’s telling you the whole truth.
To be fair, everything he’s doing actually helps him build trust (if he’s doing his job right), but over the years you’ve learned that used car salesmen can’t be trusted.
And once there is mistrust, it takes time to gain it back – something the used car salesman doesn’t have much of.
Lucky for you, you don’t have a stained reputation when you meet new people. But you might be sending subtle cues that push people away.
That’s why this week’s challenges are focused on building trust. Because, whether you realize it or not, communication is largely about influence.
You try to convince your friend to go camping with you. You want someone to like you. You want your boss to give you a promotion. You want people to feel comfortable around you.
Well, without trust, your ability to persuade goes down the drain. People hear you, but they don’t buy what you’re saying.
So, by learning the trust-building skills that follow, you’ll consistently build trust from the moment you meet someone. And when they trust you, they’ll want you around and they’ll listen to whatever you say.
Before You Begin
Unlike the Week 1 Challenges, these challenges don’t have to be done with strangers. You can do them with anyone, anywhere you want.
You can practice on coworkers at work, family members at home, your friends at a bar, the barista at the coffee shop, or anyone else you talk to.
Week 2 Challenges
This week is a little different than last week. I’m going to describe eight different trust-building exercises and you’re going to choose the four that you think you are worst at and use those for your four challenges this week.
I’ve noticed that most people naturally do some of these well and some of them poorly, so it works best if you pick the ones you struggle with so you get the most improvement.
So, to complete Challenge 5, choose one of the eight skills below and focus on it during 10 different conversations. It doesn’t matter how long the conversations last. All that matters is that you are focusing on that one skill while you talk.
To complete Challenges 6 through 8, do the same thing but with three of the other skills.
The 8 Trust-building Skills to Choose From
- Maintain eye contact. Look the other person in the eyes for at least 70% percent of the conversation. Obviously, you won’t know exactly how much 70% is, so just try to look into their eyes most of the time. If they break eye contact with you, you can break it for a moment and then look back.
- Boost your energy. Too often, people speak way too softly. They have low confidence, they’re afraid of saying the wrong thing, or they just don’t put enough energy into their conversations. You want to add more energy into your being. Your voice should be louder (without yelling or being obnoxious) and your tonality should vary (think about the difference between reading a sentence monotonously and someone talking passionately about something they love).
- Smile. There’s no shortage of research on the positive impact of smiles. When you approach someone, you should have a smile on your face that shows you’re excited to see them, you’re in a good mood, or you’re just a person with positive energy. You also want to smile during your interaction. It doesn’t need to happen the whole time, but some smiling while you are talking and listening will go a long way.
- Have confident body language. Low confidence breeds mistrust because, if you don’t trust yourself, why should someone else? And your body language is a big display of your confidence levels. Keep your head up and your shoulders back (no need to be overly dramatic though). Keep your body open instead of closed off (don’t cross your arms or legs, unless you’re a woman sitting in a skirt or dress). And take the space around you. Don’t squeeze on the edge of the couch or cramp yourself in a crowd so others can sit or stand more comfortably. Your space is more valuable than anyone else’s. Just don’t be a jerk about it.
- Socially touch. Touch is a huge builder of trust. But do it wrong and you’ll have the opposite effect. So listen closely. When you see someone, shake their hand firmly. If it’s someone you know, you can give them a hug. When you’re talking to someone, touch the back of their elbow every now and then for about a second, and no longer. It’s quick, but it’s not a tap. At work, you may want to stop here. But socially, you can put your arm over their shoulders, put your hand on their back, high-five, or shoulder clap (where you put your hand on their shoulder for a moment while facing them). NOTE: If they seem uncomfortable with any touching, stop immediately. You can slowly build it back up with small doses of less intimate touching. But never continue if someone seems uncomfortable.
- Calm down. Nervousness destroys trust. Even if you aren’t nervous, you may seem nervous with your actions. So unless you already speak slowly, talk slower. A calm, steady voice is very trustworthy because it’s not flustered. Instead, it shows that you’re in control. Also, stop fidgeting and looking around in every direction every three seconds. Your neck is not a swivel. No one is after you. And no, you don’t know the person that just walked through that door. Even if you do, they’ll notice you if it’s important. Instead, calm down, speak slowly, and focus of the person in front of you in a calm manner.
- Gesture. Words make up less than half of your communication. People get more information from your actions and cues than your words (hence this week’s focus). So you can’t just speak with your mouth. You need to use your hands to amplify your words. If you’re explaining that something is big, open your hands out wide to express that. If you talk about a thought you had, touch your temple. If you’re listing or numbering things, use your fingers to note each new item (one, two, three…). People are much more likely to believe you when your gestures match your words. Think about it, if you say you are really excited to go skydiving, will someone believe you more if you squeeze your hands into fists and shake them with a smile on your face, or if you are low energy, monotone, with your arms crossed and a nervous look on your face? Your words tell them what to think or believe and your hands help make your words believable – and build trust.
- Listen. Everyone knows they need to listen to the other person. But are you truly listening to everything they’re saying? Or are you thinking about something else, like what you want to say next or what you’re going to do this weekend? This is the skill most people blow off, yet need the most help with. Focus on the other person, listen to their words and the way they express their thoughts, then comprehend it. Only then should you speak.
What success looks like: You might not do a great job with your skill during each conversation. That’s fine. As long as you are focusing on it throughout the conversation, doing your best to do what I explained, you have succeeded. Do that 10 times for each of the four skills you choose and you will complete the challenges.
Bonus points: Do all eight of the skills instead of four. Or focus on each of your four skills for 15 or 20 conversations instead of 10. Doing the minimum required in this program will give your social skills a boost. But going above and beyond and doing more than the bare minimum will make your boost that much bigger.
Wrap Up
I am going to admit it right now – you won’t be great at these skills after completing this challenge. But it will open your eyes to the areas that need your focus.
And you will start to notice these areas that need improvement in every conversation, which will help you improve day by day.
But don’t worry about the future right now. Because doing these challenges once is the hardest part – getting started and forcing yourself to focus on the areas you struggle with most. But it gets the ball rolling and makes forward momentum much easier.
So make sure you complete the initial challenge. Then, and only then, do I highly recommend you continue focusing on these skills beyond the scope of these challenges to get the best results.
The good news is you can focus on them whenever you’re going about your day. Need to talk to your boss? Make solid eye contact with her. Going to a friends birthday party? Pump up your energy.
And soon they’ll become second-nature.
Alright, that’s it for this week. Once you complete these challenges, you can head on over to next week’s challenges.
See you there.