Welcome to the Week 3 challenges, where you’ll learn how to open up to people to build trust, respect, intrigue, interest, and attraction.
Opening up is how you get people to know you. And the more they understand who you really are as a person, the more they can relate and empathize, and start seeing you as a close friend rather than a distant acquaintance.
For example, minutes after meeting this guy Brad, I wanted to become friends with him. I was new to the area and was looking build a social circle, and Brad seemed like someone I’d have fun hanging out with.
But it wasn’t because he gave me compliments, asked good questions or showed a strong interest in me, it was what he revealed about himself that made me believe I’d like to get to know him better.
Within the first five minutes of meeting Brad, I knew that he had started and sold a software company, analyzed companies for potential mergers and acquisitions, liked to party, and was adventurous and outdoorsy.
And he did this without bragging or showing off, just by answering a few questions and telling a story.
Well, at the time, those were all interesting and good qualities to me. I was young, single, adventurous, and ambitious, and really into entrepreneurship and finance.
And within five minutes I knew we’d be good friends, which is exactly what happened.
If you want to build that type of intrigue, where people want to get to know you better, you can only do it by saying things that show them the kind of person you are. And this is only possible if you open up and volunteer that information.
That’s what you learn in these challenges – how to get better at opening up and bringing your thoughts, feelings, and stories into the conversation, even if you aren’t asked about them.
Before You Begin
Unlike trust, where the same cues (when done right) will work on everyone, the same stories, thoughts, or ideas won’t impress or intrigue each person you talk to. Like in my story above, not everyone would care about finance, business, partying, and outdoor adventures.
But you don’t need to share every single interest with someone. One or two meaningful similarities can be enough to keep a relationship going for a lifetime. And if someone really doesn’t connect with who you are, it’s better to find out sooner than later so you don’t waste your valuable time.
This means that you don’t need to worry about only sharing things that you know the other person will like or relate to. Otherwise, you’ll overthink everything you say and you’ll end up holding way too much back, which is the opposite of what you want to do.
You just want the gist of your best self (with some human-like flaws) to shine through so they get a quick idea of who they are getting to know.
Also, as we touched on before, it’s absolutely critical that you have a reason for saying the things you say.
If you walk up to a stranger and say that the moon is round, they’ll look at you like you’re wearing face-paint with a clown nose. They’ll wonder why the hell you came up to them to say that.
We’ll talk about this more below, just know that you should always have a reason for mentioning a specific topic or story in a conversation.
Week 3 Challenges
For each challenge this week you will tell five people something that they don’t know about you. The only difference between each of these four challenges is what you will be telling the people. One challenge is telling people a fact, one a feeling, one an opinion, and the other a story.
For each challenge, you’ll say the same thing to all five people you talk to.
And these five people can be anyone as long as they don’t already know what you are telling them. Strangers, family members, friends co-workers, or whoever you want.
For more tips on how to accomplish these challenges, see the section “Tips” down below the challenges in this section. There are examples and explanations for how to come up with reasons for saying these things, which is crucially important.
Challenge 9: Tell 5 people one FACT about you that they don’t already know.
The fact can be anything and doesn’t need to be important. But the more it talks about who you are and the things that make you intriguing to the people you’d want to befriend, the better.
Here are some examples:
- I have a sister that’s a couple years older than me.
- My birthday is in August.
- Surfing and mountain biking are my absolute favorite activities.
- During college, I backpacked through western Europe.
- I run an internet business that helps people make dramatic changes in their lives.
Challenge 10: Tell 5 people one FEELING you’re having that they don’t already know.
When it comes to feelings, I would stay away from complaining or nagging. But being upset about something that isn’t that big of a deal in a fun way is definitely acceptable. It’s okay to talk crap on something that annoys you if you’re having fun with it. Just don’t be a Debbie Downer.
Here are some examples:
- I’m so happy it’s finally getting cold out. I love bundling up with blankets, pouring a hot cup of coffee and reading a book next to a warm fire.
- I can’t wait for the 4th of July next week. People love the holiday here in HB and I always have such a blast. I’m so excited!
- I’m so frustrated that the final season of Game of Thrones isn’t coming out until next year. We’ve been waiting so long and still have such a ways to go! Ugh!
How you feel about sports teams, TV shows, the weather, something contextual in your environment (construction, a new restaurant, etc.), and how your day is going are things you can consider. But be creative if you want. You have many feelings about many different things, so just listen to how you feel.
Challenge 11: Tell 5 people an OPINION you have that they don’t already know.
This is similar to the last challenge, but instead of talking about your feelings (I’m excited, I’m frustrated), you’re talking about your opinion.
If it’s an opinion about something meaningful to you, even better. But it’s not necessary. Here are examples:
- They did a great job with the new office layout.
- I think it’s such a mistake that the city is letting these builders put in so many high-density housing projects.
- Working for myself is so freeing. I think more people should learn how to freelance or run their own business. It’s too bad it’s not taught more in school.
- Game of Thrones is the best show that’s ever been created.
Challenge 12: Tell 5 people one STORY that they don’t already know.
The story doesn’t have to be too insightful or anything, as long as it has a point. Here are a few examples:
- I wanted to get donuts last weekend and saw this new place Duck’s Donuts, so I went to check it out. It’s different because you custom order them and they’re made to order. Honestly, the fried dough didn’t look that appealing. But when I got home and took my first bite, hot damn! The dough melted in my mouth and was so amazing. I’m worried I’ll develop an addiction to this place.
- This weekend I went to the OC zoo, which is really small, and obviously wasn’t expecting to see anything crazy. I was happy to see they had a mountain lion though. And then the trainer came out, held up this pole with meat on it, and the mountain lion jumped like 10’ and grabbed and held onto the fence. It was insane and one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen an animal do in front of me. I definitely underestimated the zoo before I went.
What success looks like: You tell the people what you planned on telling them and they don’t look at you weird, wondering why you just told them that. If they reveal something about themselves, awesome! That means you’re doing it right.
Bonus points: The more meaningful or important your topic is, or the more passionate about it you are, the better. Don’t worry though, you can be passionate about Cheez-Its too, so it doesn’t how to be some stuffy topic. And for extra bonus points, do a fifth challenge this week sharing a secret with someone. Say something along the lines of, “I normally don’t tell people this, but…” This is a great way to build trust with people.
Tips
So you know what to do, but you can’t just walk up to someone and tell them something out of the blue. You need a reason for telling them.
And that’s one of the purposes of these challenges – to force you to find a way to talk about things you want to talk about.
The best ways to bring these into the conversation are by mentioning something contextual that’s related so it’s easy to segue into your topic or to ask a question that revolves around your answer.
For example, if you want to tell someone you’re a 49ers fan, you could ask, “Do you watch football?” Even if they say no, you can still say, “Oh, because I’m a huge 49ers fan so Sundays at this time of year are always an emotional roller coaster for me.”
This, of course, assumes that you’re in a conversation. Go back to week one or read my article on how to start a conversation with a stranger if you need help with that.
For another example, let’s say you want to tell a story from your travels last Christmas. Bringing it up could seem really random since Christmas was many months ago. But you could say, “Hey, now that the holidays are finally in sight, do you have any plans?” Then, if they ask about your plans or you just start telling them yours, you can say, “I just hope our flights aren’t a mess like they were last year…” and then you can go into your story.
Wrap Up
These challenges are a little tricky because you need to get into a conversation before you can begin. And even then, you have to find a reason for moving into your topic.
That’s why you only need to do it five times per challenge.
But this ability is huge. You’ll get so much better at talking to people when you have “nothing to say,” and you’ll be able to bring any topic you want into the conversation.
Once you start finding stories, facts, and thoughts that portray you the way you want, you’ll be able to mention them at any time, making it easy to build intrigue and interest with the right people.
Opening up to people doesn’t automatically make you likable or gain you respect, but it makes it a possibility. And the more you open up, the more opportunities you’ll get.
Once you finish these, you should be much better at starting conversations, building trust, and giving people opportunities to want to connect with you.
Next week, with the final challenges, you’ll learn how to make build strong connections with people by using four easy and proven techniques.
When you’re ready, head on over.