Now that you’ve completed the Friends From Scratch course, it can be difficult to remember everything or know where to find the information you need to refer back to. That’s why I created this summary and the corresponding worksheet.
Below, I’m going to walk you through the Friends From Scratch process and point you to the lessons for each step of the way.
First, I’ll provide the outline. Then, I’ll go through each step in detail. Note that the steps in gray are “preparation” steps. They do not directly move the relationship forward but they help you accomplish some of the other steps more effectively.
- Step 1 (Preparation): Define Your Relationship Goals (Lesson 1.2)
- Step 2 (Preparation): Keep a Running List of Your Interests (Lesson 1.3)
- Step 3: Find Your Ideal Places to Meet People (Lessons 1.4 and 1.5)
- Step 4: Meet the Person (Lessons 2.1 through 2.7)
- Step 5 (Preparation): Prepare to Connect by Understanding What’s Important to You, and Why (Lesson 3.2)
- Step 6: Build a Strong Connection with the Other Person (Lesson 3.3)
- Step 7: Plant the Seeds for Future Hangouts with Soft Invites (Lesson 3.4)
- Step 8: Get Their Phone Number (Lesson 3.5)
- Step 9: Make Specific Plans by Using a Hard Invite (Lesson 4.2)
- Step 10: Keep in Touch When You’re Not Together (Lesson 4.3)
- Step 11: Reconnect with Them Every Time You See Them (Lesson 4.4)
- Step 12: Meet Up and Move the Relationship Forward (Lesson 4.5)
If you ever find yourself struggling with any part of the Friends From Scratch process, you can come here, see where you are having trouble, and quickly find the fix or know which lesson you need to review.
Since this course works best when you follow it in the order provided, I’ll give you benchmarks so you know whether you’re ready to move on from a step or if you need to keep working at it.
Let’s get to it.
Module 1. Finding New People to Meet
Before you go out looking for people to meet, you want to prepare. It’s important to understand what you want out of your relationships, what you enjoy, and what’s important to you. Using that information, you can then find the right places to meet people.
This is important because it’s much easier to befriend people when you meet them in the right places. Here are the steps to follow:
Step 1: Define Your Relationship Goals (Lesson 1.2)
1. Create Worksheet #1: Your Goals
- Write your goal at the top
- Describe your goal below with concrete examples
2. Set a recurring event on your calendar to review your goal once every week
3. Review your goal once every week
- Read the goal
- Determine if it is still correct
- If not, make changes
- OPTIONAL – Review details below your goal
Step 2: Keep a Running List of Your Interests (Lesson 1.3)
1. Create Worksheet #2: Your Interests
Create a list of answers for each of the following questions:
- What do you enjoy doing?
- What do you think you might enjoy doing?
- What do you enjoy learning about?
- What do you think you might enjoy learning about?
- What is important to you? (goals, beliefs, values, etc.)
2. Set a recurring event on your calendar to review your interests once every week
3. Review your interests once every week
- Read through them
- Add or remove any as you see fit
Step 3: Find Your Ideal Places to Meet People (Lessons 1.4 and 1.5)
1. Create Worksheet #3: Your CSGs
After brainstorming and researching potential CSGs, find a handful of actual CSGs that you’d consider joining. Enter them into Worksheet #3 so you can compare and determine which one(s) to choose.
2. Sign up for your first CSG and add it to your calendar
Congrats! You’re on your way to making new friends!
3. Review your calendar weekly to determine whether you need to find and join any new CSGs
Do you have enough social outings planned for the upcoming week? (i.e. do you have at least one CSG commitment planned?)
- If yes, you’re done here! Your week is all set.
- If not, review your Worksheet #3 or research new CSGs and find one to join.
If you can’t find a CSG to join for the upcoming week, that’s okay. Many CSGs only have a few openings per year (e.g. adult league sports teams only open prior to each season). But you want to sign up for one as soon as you can.
CSGs are not the only activities you can schedule either. You can go to events, conferences, coffee shops, or wherever you want, and that’s great. In the next module, you’ll learn how to meet people in all these different places.
But you want to have at least one CSG planned and the rest of your schedule is up to you. I recommend filling it with activities you love to do, regardless of how social they are.
Module 1 Benchmarks for Moving Forward
Before moving forward, make sure you do the following:
- Complete Worksheets #1, #2 and #3
- Sign up for a CSG, or be in the process of finding a CSG
- If you haven’t signed up for a CSG yet, get one of the other options (Lesson 1.4) for meeting people booked on your calendar (make sure to eventually get a CSG on the books too)
Once you have an activity planned where you can meet people, you’re ready for the next module.
Module 2: Starting Conversations & Meeting New People
Now that you know where you are going to meet people, it’s time to actually meet them. Some mindsets and tactics you’ll learn are universal and should be used anytime you meet someone new, while others are meant for specific scenarios. We’ll review both.
Step 4: Meet the Person (Lessons 2.1 through 2.7)
Use the universal mindsets and tactics from Worksheet #4 (Lesson 2.2) every time you meet new people. Use the scenario-specific tactics from Worksheet #5 (Lessons 2.3 through 2.7) for the situation you’re meeting the person in.
To instill these mindsets and tactics, review them every time before you go out to meet new people. Here’s a recap:
3 Universal Mindsets for Meeting New People
- Mindset 1: Prepare and be ready to socialize. Be prepared for the situation and get yourself in the mood to socialize.
- Mindset 2: Be open-minded about meeting new, different people. Especially in the beginning, give everyone you meet a chance at friendship. Don’t write them off because they are different.
- Mindset 3: Don’t be needy. Be willing to meet new people and be proactive about it, but also be okay when people don’t return the favor. When people reject you, be understanding. Have the mindset, “No worries, maybe next time. And if there is no next time, no problem. There are other people out there.”
5 Universal Tactics for Meeting New People
- Tactic 1: Look Good. Keep up with good hygiene, make your hair look good, and wear a good-looking outfit.
- Tactic 2: Meet Them Like You’d Meet a Friend. Smile, do an eyebrow-flash (like when you see a friend and quickly raise your eyebrows for half a second), and do a head-nod (at the same time as the eyebrow-flash).
- Tactic 3: Don’t Be Boring. Come in with high, positive energy and vary your vocal tonality (don’t be monotone).
- Tactic 4: Connect. Shake their hand and look them in the eyes.
- Tactic 5: Get on a First-name Basis. Introduce yourself and get their name. Make sure you use it too.
Scenario-specific Tactics for Meeting New People
Meeting people at CSGs (Lesson 2.3):
- Prepare for the event or activity.
- Attend the event or activity.
- Find your group members, start a conversation, introduce yourself, and get the other person’s name.
Meeting people at events (Lesson 2.4):
- Prepare for the event or activity.
- Attend the event or activity.
- Start a conversation with another attendee, introduce yourself, and get the other person’s name.
Meeting people in public areas (Lesson 2.5):
- Start a conversation with a stranger using a contextual question or statement.
- Within the first few minutes of conversation, introduce yourself and get the other person’s name (make sure you have a reason for doing so).
Meeting people at work or school (Lesson 2.6):
- Determine your goals. (I.e. Do you want to meet specific people or potentially anybody there?)
- Prepare for meeting them. (I.e. Where and how might you meet them?)
- Start a conversation, introduce yourself, and get the other person’s name.
Meeting people through friends and acquaintances (Lesson 2.7):
- Meeting People through Direct Contact
- Come up with the reason you want to meet new people.
- Find someone to ask for help.
- Ask for help.
- Reach out to your new contact and see if they’re interested in meeting up.
- Schedule and set up the meetup.
- Meet up and introduce yourself.
- Meeting People through Indirect Contact
- Let your friends know that you’re looking to meet new people.
- Ask if you can meet some of their other friends sometime when they hang out.
- Schedule the hangout.
- Attend and meet their friends by introducing yourself and getting their names.
Module 2 Benchmarks for Moving Forward
You’re ready to move onto the next steps in Module 3 when you’ve done the following (in no particular order):
- Started a conversation
- Introduced yourself
- Got the other person’s name
Once you’ve met the other person, you’re ready to build a genuine connection with them.
Module 3: Quickly Building Strong Connections with People
Alright, you’ve met a new person by starting a conversation. You should have introduced yourself and gotten their first name as well.
Now, you want to build a solid connection with this new person. And that starts by understanding yourself and knowing what’s important to you.
Step 5: Prepare to Connect by Understanding What’s Important to You, and Why (Lesson 3.2)
1. Complete the column “Why I Enjoy These” in Worksheet #2.
- Use the PDF with examples, “Worksheet #2: Your Interests (expanded with examples),” from this module to help you come up with ideas so you understand what you’re looking for. Make sure to come up with your own, true answers though.
2. Review your list weekly to remind yourself what’s important to you. Make any changes if necessary.
- Add it to your weekly goals and interests review discussed in Module 1.
3. Review your list before you go to any meetups to keep these topics top-of-mind.
Step 6: Build a Strong Connection with the Other Person (Lesson 3.3)
Apply the mindsets and tactics from Worksheet #6 (Lesson 3.3) to build strong bonds with the people you meet. Review these mindsets and tactics before going out to meet people.
3 Mindsets for Connecting with People
- Believe that life is awesome. Do you believe and express your love of life?
- Be authentic. Are you being honest about how you feel and what you think (to yourself and to the other person)?
- Maintain balance. In your conversations and relationships, is there an even amount of giving and taking?
3 Tactics for Connecting with people
- Be curious. Ask questions to learn more about the person and dig deeper into the topics that interest you.
- Relate to what they say. Show your shared interest by relating with stories, thoughts, beliefs, or facts. Even if it’s not something you’re interested in or knowledgeable about, you can show more curiosity by asking why they enjoy it, believe it, think it, or feel that way.
- Make them feel good about themselves. Use their first-name regularly. Be open and share personal stories, thoughts, facts, and feelings. Don’t judge their responses – instead, make them comfortable telling you uncomfortable things. Give them compliments, especially for things they have control over. Socially touch them with handshakes, shoulder claps, hugs, etc., as long as it’s right for the environment and they are comfortable with it.
Step 7: Plant the Seeds for Future Hangouts with Soft Invites (Lesson 3.4)
1. Make sure you’ve made a connection.
- You seem to like each other.
- You have a common interest.
- You’ve discussed the common interest.
2. Go for the soft invite.
- Tell them you’ve enjoyed their company.
- Mention an activity (based on your common interest) you could do together sometime.
Step 8: Get Their Phone Number (Lesson 3.5)
1. Receive a warm response to your soft invite.
After you throw out your soft invite, gauge the other person’s interest. If they seem interested or excited, you’re good to go.
2. Ask for their phone number and give your reason.
Simply ask for their phone (or other contact info) and tell them why you want it (so you two can do the common activity together sometime).
Module 3 Benchmarks for Moving Forward
You’re ready to move to the next steps in Module 4 when you’ve done the following:
- Found and bonded over similar interests
- Thrown out a soft invite
Ideally, you will also have their phone number. But you can still move forward without it. Just make sure to get it soon.
Module 4: Hanging Out and Moving the Relationship Forward
Now that you’ve built a connection, found a potential activity to do together, and got their phone number, it’s time to make plans and actually hang out. It’s important that you do things together outside of the original context you met in (if you met while playing on the same softball team, this means you would hang out together doing something other than softball).
You’re going to have to invite them to do something specific, keep in touch with them when you’re not together, reconnect each time you see them and continue to move the relationship forward by building a stronger bond.
Let’s go through your next steps.
Step 9: Make Specific Plans by Using a Hard Invite (Lesson 4.2)
1. After receiving positive feedback from a soft invite, go for the hard invite.
Invite your new friend to do a specific activity (likely the one you mentioned in your soft invite). Make sure it’s clear that you want to set this up, not something to possibly do one day.
2. If they accept, coordinate and schedule your hangout.
Find out when the activity can be done and what prerequisite items (reservations, sign-ups, etc.) you need to take care of beforehand. Coordinate times with your new friend and get the activity booked (if necessary) and scheduled.
Step 10: Keep in Touch When You’re Not Together (Lesson 4.3)
1. Initiate the text conversation.
2. Reconnect with them (see Step 11 below or Lesson 4.4)
3. Invite them to do a specific activity with you.
4. Schedule your hangout.
5. Rinse and repeat steps 1 through 4.
Step 11: Reconnect with Them Every Time You See Them (Lesson 4.4)
1. Say hi, use their name, smile, and look them in the eyes.
Here’s an example: “Hey, John.” Very simple.
2. See what’s new and how they are doing.
Some examples:
- How’s it going?
- How are you?
- What’s new?
Follow up to get a better answer:
- Oh no, what’s wrong?
- Awesome to hear. Any particular reason you’re doing so well?
- Really? I’d love to hear more.
- Did you do anything awesome this weekend?
Ideally, you want to ask about something they mentioned last time you spoke to them:
- How was your soccer game this weekend?
- Did you end up surfing this weekend? How was it?
- Are you getting excited about your upcoming trip?
3. Connect.
Proceed with building a connection.
- Be curious
- Relate to what they say
- Make them feel good about themselves
4. Continue the Friends From Scratch process.
Keeping building a stronger connection while enjoying your conversation or try to move it forward by tossing a soft invite, getting their contact info, or going for the hard invite.
Step 12: Meet Up and Move the Relationship Forward (Lesson 4.5)
1. Quickly recall the bond you’ve built when you greet them (Step 11 or Lesson 4.4).
2. Connect (Step 6 or Lesson 3.3).
3. Do the activity (while connecting when you can).
4. Set yourself up for future hangouts with more soft invites (Step 7 or Lesson 3.4).
5. Rinse and repeat.
Module 4 Benchmarks for Success
The goal of this course is to help you make new friends, whenever and wherever you want. You’ll know you’ve reached this milestone when you’re doing the following:
- Hanging out with your new friend outside of the situation you met them in
- Keeping in touch on a regular basis
- Planning on hanging out sometime in the future
- Enjoying each other’s friendship
And that’s everything. If you get stuck, determine where you are having trouble and come back to the lesson that covers it. It takes some practice and learning, but if you do the lessons as described in this course, you will make new friends. Best of luck to you.