Welcome to the next lesson. Today, you’re going to learn how to keep in touch with people the right way.
Keeping in touch in this context is talking to someone when you’re not with them. This is usually through text messages, but there are many other options as well – like phone calls, emails, texting through social apps, commenting on their social posts, etc.
Keeping in touch can be light and fun banter, serious questions, setting up plans, thanking them, or any other way of talking to them. As long as you are communicating with the other person when you’re not with them, you’re keeping in touch.
At this point in the process, you should have built a connection and gotten their contact info. If you haven’t, you aren’t ready to keep in touch. But once you do, you can keep in touch at any time.
Keeping in touch is an important step in the friend-making process. It’s where some people are able to quickly turn new friends into good friends and others let relationships stale out and regress. Friendships need to be nourished, and keeping in touch is the perfect tool for just that.
Let’s go through the pros and cons of keeping in touch. Note that these mostly apply to text-type messages, not phone calls.
Pros:
- You can build the relationship while you’re away from each other.
- You can think about what you want to say and revise your thoughts before sending the message.
- It’s great for setting plans. They don’t have to make a decision on the spot and can get back to you once they figure out their schedule and other details.
Cons:
- It’s not always easy to connect with someone via text.
- It’s easy for the meaning of your message to be misconstrued.
- You can’t read the other person’s expressions and body language, making it hard to know what they’re thinking or feeling.
Although there are some downsides, the pros far outweigh the cons and you definitely want to keep in touch with people you like.
The primary benefit of keeping in touch is that it moves the relationship forward. If you don’t keep in touch, they will start forgetting about you. They will forget that there was ever a reason to befriend you. It will be harder to befriend them.
When you do keep in touch, it reminds them of the connection between you two. It gives them a reason to consider growing a friendship with you. It keeps you at the top of their mind, especially when you show your value as a friend (or potential friend).
Keeping in touch helps you grow your relationships if you do it right.
3 Mindsets that Get People Interested and Excited to See You Again
Mindset 1: Be relevant.
When you’re starting a new relationship, you need to have a good reason for reaching out and keeping in touch.
Most people instinctively know this. Unfortunately, instead of finding a good reason, they avoid this problem by not reaching out. That’s not the better option though. You want to keep in touch. And when you do, it should be relevant to the relationship you’ve already begun.
When you previously built a connection with them, you should have started getting to know them and their interests. This is valuable information.
- What do they enjoy doing?
- What do they like, or even better, love?
- What are their favorite foods and restaurants?
- What area of town do they live in?
This is why it’s so important to be curious (as discussed in Module 3). If you don’t get to know them, it’s hard to find relevant activities to do or topics to discuss.
Make sure that you have a reason for reaching out by talking about things that you know matter to them.
Mindset 2: Add value.
Most of your text messages should add value to your new friend, especially early in the relationship. They don’t care that you’re thinking of getting a new cat because it doesn’t add value to them. But if a new sushi restaurant opens and they love sushi, they might care about that.
There are exceptions, which we’ll get to in a moment. But first, let’s go through the different ways you can add value to the other person, even when you’ve just recently met.
Humor
If they find your text funny, it could add that little shine of light to their day. People enjoy laughing and smiling.
I will keep saying this – remember to keep it relevant. If you know that they’re obsessed with donuts and you see an article about the biggest donut ever made, you could forward it with a funny little comment.
Don’t, however, send them a joke if it isn’t relevant to them or something you both discussed.
Information that Interests Them
If you find an article, hear something that they’d want to know, or find anything you can tell them that they’d be glad to hear, text it to them.
For example, my buddy sent me a text with the surf report showing good waves. I wasn’t expecting good waves and wouldn’t have even thought about surfing this weekend, but now I’m highly considering it. I am thankful for that text.
Answering a Question
This is easy. If someone asks you a question, you can just answer it. I recommend adding more than just an answer though to keep the conversation going.
Invitations
Inviting people to activities is a great way to add value, especially if the activity is something that they haven’t done (or haven’t done at that specific place).
Based on your previous conversation, you should know what activities interest them. Don’t invite them to something if you don’t have a reason to think they’d like it (which you should have gotten from your soft invite). This is not a good option until you get that implied interest.
Showing Interest in Them
If they told you they were going wine tasting over the weekend and you text them a couple days later asking how it was, they could find value in having a friend (or potential friend) who cares enough about them to remember and ask. If they truly believe you care about them (without being obsessive) and they like you as a person, they will be highly interested in being your friend.
Relevance is very important here. They will find it weird if you ask them how they are doing because you don’t have a reason to care much about them. But when you ask about the specific activity they previously mentioned to you, it’s plausible for you to ask how it went because you thought it sounded interesting and were curious to know what it was like.
People who truly care are people you hang on to, as long as they don’t take it too far and creep you out. Keep that in mind and you’ll easily add value.
Complimenting or Thanking
Genuinely flattering someone adds value because it makes them feel good about themselves. Of course, don’t take it too far and let them think you’re obsessed, creepy or have an agenda. And thanking someone for something they did is pretty straightforward – you just remind them that you’re grateful for their help.
Yes, I’m going to drop the relevance bomb again. Because complimenting someone a while after you spoke to them can be tricky. It’s best if it’s something you found out after you spoke to them.
For example, if they told you about their company, you can say, “Hey, it’s Rob from soccer. I checked out your website and was very impressed! I didn’t know you traveled so much for it. How often does this take you overseas?”
On the other side of the coin, don’t give compliments that you could have given during the conversation – you already had your chance and it’ll seem like you have a hidden agenda. An example would be telling someone they’re a great soccer player. You can tell them during your game or practice, so don’t wait and then tell them through text. It’ll come off as try-hard.
How to Come Up with Value-adding Messages
- Be observant. Sometimes you’ll notice an article or hear something that a friend would find interesting. Sometimes you see a new restaurant opening or discover a new store they’d love to go to. Be observant and keep your friend’s interests in mind.
- Be creative. This takes some work, but think through the things you know about someone and come up with something to say. It’s possible to add value using the thoughts in your head.
- Do research. If you can’t think of anything to say, use the info you know about them and look stuff up online. Find things that align with their interest, things that they’d find funny, or things that they’d want to know or do. Then, tell them.
Exceptions
You don’t always have to add value. You can ask them a question or ask for minor help. Obviously, you’re not going to ask someone you just met to help you move into your new place (unless you offer to pay them or something). But you can ask them to come to kickball five minutes earlier to help you move the fold-up table out of your car.
You can also ask them a question that you can’t answer on Google that you think they’d know. Or, you can ask them their opinion about something you know they’d have an opinion about.
Other than that, try to add value when keeping in touch
Mindset 3: Be proactive.
I mentioned this at the beginning of the module, but it’s worth repeating – you need to be proactive.
You can’t wait for them to reach out to you. It’s your job to reach out to them and make the conversation happen.
Sometimes, they will reach out first or put more effort into the relationship. It’s awesome when this happens if you like the person.
But more often than not, you need to do most of the work up front. Eventually, they will see you as a friend and return the favor. And if they don’t, maybe they aren’t as interested in the relationship as you are. Use your best judgment to decide whether you want to keep putting all the effort in.
But in the beginning, don’t feel bad about doing most of the work. A lot of people aren’t comfortable reaching out to new friends (hence this course!) and often they aren’t actively looking for new friendships (although most people are open to it if it’s a good fit. It doesn’t mean that they don’t like you.
How to Keep in Touch the Right Way
The process for keeping in touch looks like this:
- Initiate
- Connect
- Invite
- Schedule
- Rinse and repeat
It isn’t always this clean and linear, but those are the basics. Let’s go through each step.
1. Initiate
Use the advice from the three mindsets to help you initiate the conversation – make it relevant and add value. There’s not much more to it than that.
2. Connect
This is very similar to the advice from Lesson 3.3 Making People Feel Closely Connected with You.
- Be curious.
- Relate to what they say.
- Make them feel good about themselves.
There are a few major differences though.
- You really need to gauge their level of interest. How did they respond to your text? Do they seem interested in continuing the conversation? If they continue giving you one-word answers and don’t contribute to the value of the interaction, you’ll want to pull back and try building a stronger connection in person before continuing. Also, they may not be much of a texter. For those people, you often use texting to schedule something, but you build your relationship in person.
- Relevance and value matter much more than in person. During normal conversation, asking a question or saying something out of the blue can help keep a conversation going. This isn’t the case for text messages. A text message interrupts a person while they are doing other things. Make sure you have a reason for doing so and it adds value to their life, not the opposite.
- Less is more (usually). Unlike an in-person conversation, you don’t need to have a lot of back-and-forth dialogue. Recalling one or two things from your previous conversation can be enough to move onto the invitation. You may encounter someone who loves texting, but for the most part, you don’t need to have long-winded conversations via text.
Just as you’d connect with someone in a regular conversation, you want to get to know them better and add value to their life. It just happens in much smaller doses.
Your goal isn’t to build an amazing relationship with one text conversation. It’s to keep you in their mind, give them a positive thought about you, and nudge the relationship forward.
Recall the previous connection you made or start a new one, then move on.
3. Invite
Keeping in touch with some is beneficial on many levels – you get them thinking about you and you continue building the friendship. But it’s also a great way to invite them to hang out with you.
You want to use the lessons learned previously in Lesson 4.2 The Hard Invite: Making Plans to Hang Out.
Ask them to do something specific based on previous activities you’ve discussed. Ideally, you will talk about this activity when you initiate and reconnect with them in your text conversation to make this super relevant.
Then…
4. Schedule
If they accept your hard invite, work on scheduling the activity. Determine the time, location, and any other details.
Make sure to read Lesson 4.2 The Hard Invite: Making Plans to Hang Out for the full details.
5. Rinse and Repeat
To continue keeping in touch with someone, just rinse and repeat. As you become better friends, this process requires less structure and relevance.
But you’ll continue initiating conversations, connecting with them, inviting them to hang out, and scheduling activities together.
Do your best to be proactive without pestering them.
And that’s it! This is a major part of keeping a relationship vibrant. Without this step, the relationship will dwindle or die. With it, it’ll grow and flourish.
Action Steps
To keep in touch with someone, be proactive and text them messages that are relevant and value-adding. Follow this process to keep the friendship growing: