This might be the most important lesson in this course. Now’s the time you actually perform the act of building a connection.
Everything you’ve done up to this point is great – you found good people to meet, you met them properly, and you’re prepared to have good conversations. But this is where you create a real bond. This is where you get to know each other and develop an actual relationship.
Relationships are complex and there are many facets to connecting with people. The person needs to be interested in you, trust you, and feel comfortable. You have to get to know each other. You need to find and share commonalities. They need to feel good, enjoy the interaction, and feel appreciated and cared for (to a certain extent – this builds over time).
If you get caught up in the minutiae, you’ll overanalyze the situation and decrease your ability to make meaningful connections, which happens far too often.
But I have good news – you don’t need to think about all these components when you’re talking to someone. Once you develop a few, critical mindsets, just do the following:
- Be curious
- Relate to what they say
- Make them feel good
That’s all it takes. Of course, we’re going to dive into the details so you know exactly how to master this. Let’s get to it:
Awesome People Have Awesome Mindsets
Your mindsets make you, you. Your beliefs come out through your words, actions (conscious and subconscious) and nonverbal gestures.
If you believe that life sucks, it will. You’ll see everything through a negative lens and complain about unimportant things. This will drive people away from you, making your perception of people negative, causing a feedback loop that spirals in a terrible direction.
If, on the other hand, you believe that life is awesome, it’s going to show in the way you talk about life with people. You won’t complain much, you’ll be grateful and optimistic, and you’ll see the good in most things. People will love having you around because you make life more enjoyable.
Having the right mindsets is essential to making good friends. That’s why you need to understand and adopt the following three:
1. Believe that life is awesome.
Just as we discussed in the example above, you need to believe that your life is awesome. You don’t have to fake it because it’s true. If you don’t believe it, you just haven’t realized it yet.
Bad things happen to everyone. We all have situations that completely suck. Some people have it worse than others, but we can always get through them.
Stop moping around, dwelling on how bad things are. You’re wasting mental capacity worrying or being frustrated about something you can’t change. Instead, focus your energy on doing things you love. Set goals and work toward them.
Only use the past to reflect on how you could do things differently in the future. Don’t indulge in dreams of what-could-have-been.
Use the future to see who it is you want to be. What do you truly want your future to look like? Find ways to make that happen by steadily working toward your goals.
But that means most of your time is spent in the present. Work hard to accomplish your goals. Put yourself in situations you enjoy. That’s why finding your interests in Module 1 is so important – you need to enjoy your life if you want other people to be a part of it.
Even if you think you’re living a crappy life, set a goal of getting out of it. Enjoy the process of getting to a better place. Life is awesome because you have the opportunity to aspire to whatever you can think of. Love that thought with your whole heart.
Realize that your life is likely better than 99% of people who ever lived. You could afford this course, which means you probably have food, shelter, clean water, and name-brand clothes. So stop complaining, and enjoy the gift of life you’ve been given.
When you believe that life is awesome, you’ll have high, positive energy. It puts you in a state of euphoria. Colors will look more vibrant. People will be more relatable. So speak up. Be positive. Maintain a good energy level. Stand with confidence – straight with your shoulders back. Make it hard not to smile because you’re so damn happy.
Keep telling yourself you’re happy. Keep telling people that you love life. You aren’t lying. You’re just rewiring your brain to this default state of mind because it’s who you are now.
Want to know how I’m doing? I’m fantastic. I’m stoked to be alive. I’m excited about the things going on my life. I’m pumped to have the opportunity to become who I desire. Life is fucking awesome and it feels amazing. I’m so lucky to be alive right now.
That’s how you should feel. And other people should know it when they talk to you.
2. Be authentic.
I almost hate saying this, because this advice is spewed everywhere with little context. People say, “Just be yourself and people will like you.” But it’s not that simple.
This is about discovering your interests, values, and beliefs and expressing them authentically through everything you do. Exude confidence when speaking your thoughts and don’t let your beliefs or interests embarrass you. Take 100% ownership of them.
For example, I love Rihanna’s music. Sure, she’s a top-selling artist so obviously many people like her songs. But many men would be embarrassed to admit this. I’m not. It makes me want to have fun and fills me with energy. Hells yes.
Also, be true to yourself by acting with integrity. Give your word and keep it. Don’t change your mind because someone is pressuring you (it’s fine to compromise though).
Say how you truly feel. Don’t say you like things you don’t like. That doesn’t mean you can’t talk about them – you can be curious why people like things you don’t. And through that curiosity, you may find a different commonality or see things from a new perspective.
You just need your actions and words to match your beliefs and values. Please, don’t try to be someone you’re not.
3. Maintain balance.
Any advice can be taken too far. I can tell you that asking questions will help your conversation, but if that’s all you do it won’t go very far.
I can tell you to give compliments, but even a few too many will raise red flags.
You want to maintain balance with everything. Try to split the conversation 50/50. Ask some questions, but relate to them and give your own thoughts, opinions or stories (we’ll go through this soon). Laugh and have fun, but be serious when it calls for it.
This applies to every aspect of relationships. You need to be proactive and reach out to people, but you can’t call them 100 times every day. You want to step out of your comfort zone, but you don’t want to over-do it. You don’t need to count or be exact, just do your best to maintain a rough balance with your friendships and interactions.
How to Use These Mindsets
You can easily incorporate these mindsets into your life. Just ask yourself simple questions to check:
- Do I truly believe and express that my life is amazing?
- Am I being authentic to who I truly am?
- Am I maintaining balance in this relationship or interaction?
You now know what the answers should be. Do your best to make them a part of who you are.
How to Quickly Create Strong Bonds with Anyone
We’re finally here. Now you’ll learn how to easily and quickly build connections with the people you meet.
This strategy is simple but profound. Follow these three steps and you’ll make friends anywhere you go:
1. Be curious.
Curiosity instantly grows your connection. It shows that you are truly interested in the other person and aren’t only concerned about yourself.
It also helps you guide the conversation and gather useful information. If they say something that interests you, you can dig deeper and learn more. If you aren’t sure what kind of interests they have, you can ask questions to find out.
So, how do you use this?
You show your curiosity by asking questions. It’s vital that you genuinely care when you ask them. Remember, you need to be authentic. Don’t pretend to care – it will show.
Your voice inflection should rise at the end of your question. Don’t use a monotonous voice. Think about the difference between:
Oh, really.
And…
Oh, really? (with an increase in voice pitch at the end)
The way you ask it makes a big difference – again, this is why you need to be authentic.
Start contextual, then move to personal.
When you first meet someone, you want to start the conversation with contextual questions or light personal questions. Here are some examples:
- Do you know when the next speaker is coming on?
- What’s your favorite drink here? How come?
- How long have you worked here?
- What was the highlight of your weekend?
As long as you have a reason for talking to someone (see Module 2), these questions are not too personal. You’ll notice that they can all be answered with facts, rather than emotions or desires.
This follows the FEW Steps Framework.
- Facts – first, you ask for facts.
- Emotions – then, you ask for the emotion behind the fact.
- Why – then, you find out why they felt that emotion.
Since these are usually based on interests and activities, finding the why won’t be too emotionally charged. But it’ll still help you deepen the relationship. Here’s an example conversation using the FEW Steps Framework:
Rob: Hey Steve! How was your weekend? Did you do anything exciting?
Steve: Nothing crazy. Hung out with the family, worked around the house and exercised.
Rob: Nice. That’s a good weekend in my eyes. What do you like to do for exercise?
Steve: I mountain bike mostly. I run and lift weights now and then too.
Rob: Oh awesome, I run a lot, but I really want to start mountain biking. What do you like about mountain biking so much?
Let’s break this down:
- I got some facts: Steve hung out with his family, worked around the house, and exercised.
- I got emotions: I know he enjoys mountain biking, running and lifting weights.
- I asked for the why: I asked what he likes so much about mountain biking.
This helps you get to know people on a more personal level. Why do they like the things they do? What makes them truly happy? Sometimes you’ll learn things about people that their good friends don’t even know just by asking the right questions.
You don’t always have to learn about the other person though. For example, I could ask where Steve likes to mountain bike. Then I could ask him why he likes going there. I’m asking because I truly want to learn more about mountain biking. If I happen to learn more about him too, that’s an added benefit.
As you get to know people better, the questions can get more personal. These topics include their deepest desires, fears, and frustrations, their true feelings about the people closest to them, and religion, sex, and other taboo topics.
Just make sure you pay attention to their level of comfort. If they seem uncomfortable, back off and move to a less racy subject. Let them know it’s cool if they don’t want to answer your question.
Be a good listener.
None of this will matter if you don’t listen to their responses. They are opening up to you. Give them your full attention and let them know they are being heard.
This helps build comfort and trust. It’s frustrating when you’re talking to someone and they’re playing on their phone, paying little attention to you. Don’t do that to them.
Listening is also important because you want to remember what they tell you so you can recall it later.
As you listen, look them in the eyes and remove any distractions. Every now and then, repeat what they say and give little responses to acknowledge that you’re listening.
If you miss something, don’t pretend you heard them. Say you missed it and ask them if they can repeat the last thing they said.
2. Relate to what they say.
Remember, you must balance the conversation. You can’t bombard people with questions like an interviewer.
Although you want to ask questions to get the other person talking, you also want to respond with your own thoughts, opinions, stories, etc.
Your goal is to find similarities with each other, dig deeper into them, and get to know each other better, which means that you don’t have to share every interest or belief they have. You can talk about topics that interest only one of you to get to know the other better.
This is a good time to show your curiosity by digging deeper into why they like something. Then, you can relate to it by saying why you don’t like it, or that you don’t know much about it but are interested in learning more. (e.g. “Interesting, I couldn’t really get into yoga. What makes you love it so much?”)
If the topic really doesn’t interest you, guide the conversation in another direction with your next question (e.g. “Interesting, what else do you like doing for fun?”).
Ideally, you will find some similarities that you two can bond over. This is why the Worksheet 2 is so important – so you know what interests you and why. When topics that interest you come up, you can dig deeper and relate to them.
You can start small early in the conversation and relationship (e.g. you both love donuts and talk about your favorites). As the conversation develops, you want to find more meaningful commonalities to strengthen your bond. But keep connecting on small, less meaningful interests – it can be fun diving into the amazingness of sriracha and the different things you like to mix it with. Not everything needs to be serious!
You can relate to a topic in many ways. You can tell stories, discuss ideas, share the emotions it makes you feel, explain why you like/dislike it, ponder questions, etc.
As you ask questions and relate to them, you’ll open more and more avenues for connecting as different potential topics (conversational threads) pop up. If you talk about skiing, it also opens up the topics of nature, other extreme sports, the feeling of thrills, danger, risk, snowy weather, mountains, vacations, spending money, and on and on. Don’t think you are stuck talking about the direct topic at hand.
You don’t have to have a similar love for the direct topic to connect. For example, you both may love intense workouts, even though one person runs and the other does CrossFit. Since you both put your bodies through strenuous effort, you can relate to that similarity.
You can connect with more than just interests too. The main things you’ll bond over are:
- Interests – things you like learning or doing (e.g. baseball, Danielle Steel books, psychology)
- Goals – achievements you’re working toward (getting in shape, building a business, growing your career, building a table)
- Values – the ways you think you should act, and appreciate when others do (honesty, ambition, curiosity, openness)
- Beliefs – what you believe to be true (religion, politics, business mindsets, parenting tactics)
Some of these can be very serious, while others are more playful. All of that is fine as long as the other person is comfortable, which takes us to the last tactic…
3. Make them feel good about themselves.
If the other person isn’t comfortable talking to you, there’s little chance you’ll become friends. If they don’t enjoy the conversation, they won’t want to keep it going.
That’s why you want them to feel good as you talk to them. Use four strategies to do exactly that:
Use their name.
People love hearing their own name. It also shows that you see them as the person they are, rather than just another person.
This is why it’s so important to get someone’s name when you meet them – so you can start using it. You don’t need to use it too frequently, but use it enough so that they notice and realize that you know them on a first-name basis. Also, make sure to continue saying it throughout the relationship.
Even if you’ve been in a group for a while and haven’t built any strong connections, it’s not too late to start the friend-making process. If you know someone’s name but haven’t used it, start using it and use these tactics to build the connection.
If you don’t know their name, figure out what it is. You can either ask them or find out from someone else.
But in the end, it’s nearly impossible to become good friends with someone if you don’t know their name and don’t use it regularly.
Be open.
Let them be who they are. Don’t judge them for being different. Your way of living isn’t the only way to live.
If someone trusts that you won’t give them shit for what they say, they’re much more likely to open up and share things with you.
This even goes for the small things. People notice how you react when they share things. If you judge them for their small responses, they won’t want to share their bigger, more personal secrets.
You accomplish this in two ways. First, don’t give them crap for liking, disliking, or sharing something. If you happen to disagree, feel free to say so. But use curiosity to wonder why they feel differently. Don’t judge them or let them feel like you think they’re “wrong.”
Don’t say, “Why do you like country music?” with a sneery tone. Instead, say, “Interesting, I’m not really into country music. What makes you like it so much?” in a curious, wondering way.
And most importantly, be sincere. Don’t show any sense of sarcasm when you’re being curious.
Secondly, you want to open up to them. Share your interests, beliefs, values, and emotions with them. Share stories that make you vulnerable to judgment.
But remember to balance this. Don’t gush your life story out. And at the beginning, don’t share a lot. Slowly share a little more as you get to know them.
You want to share things that a typical person would be embarrassed to share. Early on, I might whisper to them, “Don’t tell anyone, but I’m a huge Rihanna fan.” Later on, you may share your true feelings about work or close relationships you have. Maybe you want to get a new job but you’re scared to leave. Maybe you’ll even talk about your financial situation, the fears surrounding it, and what you plan on doing.
Make sure you aren’t complaining though, you’re just sharing your feelings.You can be scared, frustrated, or even pissed off while maintaining a positive outlook (e.g. I could tell a story about how my family vacation went wrong, then say, “And my cousin is trying to pin all the blame on me. It made me so mad at first and totally ruined our relationship. Luckily I have an awesome life and don’t need to worry about little things like that. If anyone in my family wants to blame me and take his side, that’s their decision. It actually helped me shape my current beliefs on relationships – I’m not dependent on anyone, I just appreciate all the good ones I have. I try to be the best person I can, and if that doesn’t always work out, so be it.”)
If people feel comfortable opening up to you, you’re quickly moving in the right direction.
Give compliments.
People feel good when they’re recognized and appreciated. The absence of recognition and appreciation is a leading cause of unhappiness in the workplace.
You want to give compliments to people without wanting (or coming off as wanting) anything in return (guys complimenting girls – I’m talking to you). Otherwise, the compliment will seem insincere.
Additionally, you want to compliment them for their abilities and things they have control over. So rather than saying, “You look really pretty,” (sure, they have some control over it, but this makes it sound like they are just a pretty person), say, “Wow, you did an amazing job with your makeup. It looks stunning.”
You’re pointing out something they have control over (doing makeup), and appreciating their hard work. Their goal was to look good and you’re letting them know they accomplished it.
Early in conversations, an article of clothing or an accessory can be easy things to compliment. But remember, only compliment them if you mean it. If they ask you why you like it so much, you should have a good reason.
Once you start getting to know them, you have many options. Here are some good attributes you can compliment:
- Personality – “I love how positive you are. Too many people these days forget to enjoy life.”
- Energy – “I love how upbeat you are. Being around you gives me so much more energy.”
- Mind – “Wow, your perception of freedom is fascinating. It helps me see things in a different way. I love your take on it.”
- Intelligence – “Dang, your knowledge of the Civil War is impressive!”
- Skills – “Did you play basketball in college? You really know how to put up the rock!”
- Thoughts – “I loved that blog post you wrote. I actually changed my breakfast because of it and am still losing weight.”
- Creativity – “You’re amazing at coming up with new ways to do things. I wish I was half as creative as you.”
As you can tell, there are a number of ways to compliment someone. We often recognize the attribute we love (“they’re so funny!”) but never tell the person. Don’t make that mistake. When you have a reason for liking someone, let them know.
Just be careful not to overdo it. Balance is crucial here as well. Too many compliments and the person will wonder why you’re trying so hard to get them to like you.
Social touch.
Good friends high-five, hug, pat each other on the back, put their arms around each other’s shoulders, get close to take photos and do all sorts of social touching.
You want to get to this level with your potential friends, so start small and work your way up.
In Module 2, we mentioned shaking hands with people when you meet them. That gets the ball rolling. Now it’s time to keep it going.
Two factors will help you determine how touchy to get:
- Your environment.
- Their level of comfort.
If you’re at work, you want to use much less touching. You can still high-five, shake hands, and probably touch their elbow or upper arm for a second while saying something. But be careful not to get too touchy because you can get in trouble.
If you’re at a bar, you can usually hug people you just met.
But the most important factor is their comfort level. If they turn away or show any signs of discomfort, pull away and stop the touching. If they are smiling, facing you, and have open body language (arms and legs aren’t crossed, head and neck aren’t hunched down), rest assured that you can continue using that method of touching as long as they remain comfortable.
Touch can be a magic-maker. If you can get your arm over someone’s shoulder comfortably and talk to them about how they’re doing, they will quickly start visualizing you as a good friend.
Reviewing Your Mindsets and Bonding Strategy
Every week when you review your goals and interests, you also want to review these mindsets and tactics. I’ve created Worksheet #6 for you to use, which is just a quick recap. So it should only take you a minute or so.
It’s also a good idea to review Worksheet #6 before you head out of the house to meet people so the strategies are top-of-mind when you arrive.
Summary
Understand and remember the three mindsets and the three tactics for bonding:
Mindsets
- Believe that life is awesome. Do you believe and express your love of life?
- Be authentic. Are you being honest about how you feel and what you think?
- Maintain balance. In your conversations and relationships, is there an even amount of giving and taking?
Tactics
- Be curious. Ask questions to learn more about the person and dig deeper into the topics that interest you.
- Relate to what they say. Show your shared interest by relating with stories, thoughts, beliefs, or facts. Even if it’s not something you’re interested in or knowledgeable about, you can show more curiosity by asking why they enjoy it, believe it, think it, or feel that way.
- Make them feel good about themselves. Use their first-name regularly. Be open and share personal stories, thoughts, facts, and feelings. Don’t judge their responses – instead, make them comfortable telling you uncomfortable things. Give them compliments, especially for things they have control over. Socially touch them with handshakes, shoulder claps, hugs, etc., as long as it’s right for the environment and they are comfortable with it.
If you can just remember the three tactics while you’re ever in a conversation, you can easily talk with anyone.