You learned a lot about having good conversations and building genuine connections in the last lesson. Once you put those lessons to use, you’re ready to start planting the seeds for future hangouts. We call this a soft invite.
A soft invite is when you allude to the possibility of hanging out with the other person. But you aren’t inviting them to anything specific and no commitments are made.
Here are some examples:
We should go running together sometime.
You’re fun. We should grab a drink sometime and cause some havoc.
I’ve really enjoyed this talk. It’d be fun to grab coffee sometime and talk some more.
You seem to like the outdoors. You should come disc golf with me sometime.
As you can see, you aren’t making explicit plans. You’re just mentioning that the two of you should possibly get together sometime in the future.
Why are Soft Invites Important?
A soft invite accomplishes a few goals.
It gauges their interest.
When you present a soft invite, it’s easy to tell if the other person is interested in your proposal. Do they seem excited and share the interest? Or do they respond with, “Yeah, maybe one day…” in an unsure-sounding way?
People will usually say yes to be polite, but you can tell if they are serious. But don’t write someone off just because they don’t show a ton of interest. Some people are less energetic and don’t show as much enthusiasm.
It gets them thinking about you as a friend.
The soft invite continues building the relationship.
First, you were strangers. Then, you got on a first-name basis. Then, you got to know each other and built a connection. With the soft invite, you are helping them see you as a possible friend and someone they might hang out with in other settings.
Even this act of just thinking about hanging out in the future strengthens their perception of you as a friend, rather than as a stranger or acquaintance.
It acts as an invite.
Even though it’s not a hard invite (an invitation to do a specific activity at a specific time), if they are interested in hanging out with you again, they may try to schedule something with you right now.
This is great and quickly advances the relationship.
It gives them an easy out.
Some people won’t be ready to commit to hanging out, and some people just won’t be interested. If you explicitly ask them to do something specific, they’d have to turn you down or agree to something they don’t want to do. By giving a soft invite, they don’t have to reject you or commit to anything. You can then gauge their interest and determine how you want to proceed.
As you can see, the soft invite will help you move a relationship forward with little risk. If it doesn’t work and they aren’t interested, you won’t cause any damage. You’ll just know where they stand. If they do show interest, you take a big step toward friendship.
How to Know You’re Ready for the Soft Invite
It will be weird if you throw out a soft invite without having a good reason. To avoid that, use the following tips as guidelines to know if you’re ready.
1. You seem to enjoy each other.
This is an absolute must. If you aren’t enjoying their company or if they don’t seem to enjoy yours, don’t mention hanging out in the future.
This doesn’t mean that you won’t become friendlier later. It just means you aren’t ready to invite them to hang out with you at this moment.
If you both seem to really enjoy each other, you have a good enough reason to use the soft invite. Feel free to mention hanging out sometime soon.
But it won’t always feel like you met your long-lost best friend, even if they could possibly become one. In that case, it’s best to use the following two guidelines also.
2. You have a common interest.
You want to discover an interest or activity that you both enjoy. The more meaningful and important the interest is, the better.
If you’ve discovered a common interest between you two, you’ve checked this box.
3. You’ve discussed the common interest.
Once you uncover a common interest, it’s important to make a deeper connection using that interest. You want to learn more about their relationship to that interest.
For example, if they like skiing, where do they typically go? How often? Do they plan vacations around ski trips? How important is skiing to them? What do they love about it?
By discovering these answers, you can determine whether skiing could be a possible activity you do together. If it’s not that important to them, or you both live two hours away from the mountains, it’s probably not a great option for your first soft invite. But if you both live in a skiing town and love skiing, it could be.
If you have completed each of these three guidelines, you’re ready for the soft invite.
How to Initiate a Soft Invite
The whole point of the soft invite is to move the relationship forward with little risk. It shouldn’t be scary because you have a good reason for mentioning it (you seem to like each other and bonded over a common interest) and they don’t have to reject you if they aren’t interested (they can say “yeah” without ever actually hanging out).
If you connected with each other really well, you don’t even need the common interest. All you have to do is mention that you enjoy their company and the two of you should hang out sometime. Here are some examples of what you could say:
Wow, we get along really well. We gotta hang out sometime.
I’ve really enjoyed talking to you. Let’s do it again.
How have we never met? I’m really glad I got to meet you. We should grab drinks together soon.
These options can work great, but you won’t always click enough to go this route. That’s fine, as long as you find and discuss a common interest as we previously discussed.
If you have, your soft invite will be the possibility of doing that common interest together. Here are examples of things you could say:
That’s awesome you surf too. We should paddle out together sometime.
I can’t believe you’re into shopping as much as I am! We should go together sometime.
You seem to know some great hiking areas. Maybe one of these days we’ll explore one together.
It’s not often I find someone who loves digital marketing like me. We should meet up sometime and discuss it further.
That’s all there is to it. It’s really easy to throw out a soft invite and it dramatically improves your odds of becoming friends with someone new.
Once you’ve done it, it’s time to gauge their interest and decide if you should get their phone number, which we’ll cover in the next lesson.
Action Steps
1. Make sure you’ve made a connection.
- You seem to like each other.
- You have a common interest.
- You’ve discussed the common interest.
2. Go for the soft invite.
- Tell them you’ve enjoyed their company.
- Mention an activity (based on your common interest) you could do together sometime.