All conversations come to an end and the people you hang out with eventually disperse. But that doesn’t mean the relationship ends.
In many circumstances, like at CSGs and work, you’ll see these people again. And when you do, you want to continue the bond you already started rather than starting from scratch all over again.
That’s what this lesson is all about – teaching you how to quickly recall and continue the connection you’ve already begun.
This happens way too often – you meet someone and have a great time getting to know them. You think you have a great friendship brewing and can’t wait to see them again. But when you do, the conversation goes like this:
Brittany: Hey, how’s it going?
Roya: Pretty good, you?
Brittany: I’m good, thanks.
Roya: That’s good…
…And the conversation starts to die.
Neither person dislikes the other, they just don’t have much to talk about because they don’t know each other well. Unfortunately, this creates a belief in each person’s head that they don’t “click” very well together. It can even be the reason the relationship doesn’t become a good friendship.
But this is avoidable. There are simple ways to quickly reconnect and have an enjoyable and productive conversation.
This applies anytime you see someone again in person. It doesn’t matter how well you connected before. Maybe you threw out a soft invite and got their contact info already, maybe not. It isn’t important.
What is important is that you immediately reignite the bond you started last time, as if you two were good friends. Let me show you how.
How to Quickly Recall and Build a Bond You’ve Already Started
There are two things you don’t want to do:
- You don’t want to start the conversation like two strangers who haven’t met. This will take your friendship a step backward and it may never recover.
- You don’t want to skip the connecting phase, asking for their phone number or inviting them to something without reconnecting first. This is called jumping the gun. Any reasons for moving the relationship forward need to be recalled before proceeding.
Unless you’re having a quick, purely transactional conversation with someone (ordering a coffee, asking a coworker a work-related question), your goal is to recall the connection you’ve already made and build your bond as quickly as possible.
Once you’ve done this, you can move back into the Friends From Scratch process by throwing out a soft invite, getting their number (if you haven’t already), and inviting them to something specific. Or, you can just enjoy the conversation and continue building a connection.
Here’s how you want to reconnect with someone anytime you see them:
1. Say hi, use their name, look them in the eyes, and be excited to see them.
Any form of hi – hello, what’s up, hey, yo – will work for this. You’re just initiating the conversation.
But it needs to include their name, like these:
- Hey, Rob!
- Yo, John.
- Hi, Jess.
- What’s up, Ash?!
Using their name is extremely important. Anyone can say, “Hey.” Only someone who knows you can call you by your first name. This is especially important in new relationships because it shows that you care enough to remember who they are. Additionally, it shows that you see them on a personal level and they aren’t just another stranger or group member.
Also, make sure to look them in the eyes when you greet them. Just like using their first name, this makes the relationship more personal.
When you don’t use their first name or look them in the eyes, you’re nonverbally saying that you don’t want to get to know them.
When you do, you’re opening yourself up and showing that you’re willing to make a personal connection, which is absolutely necessary if you want to become friends.
Lastly, show them that you’re excited to see them. Your eyes should light up a little and you should smile. You can even say something along the lines of, “It’s good to see you!”
People are much more likely to like you if they think you like them. This shows that you like them.
2. See what’s new and how they are doing.
After you greet the person, see what’s new and how they are doing. You can ask:
- How’s it going?
- What’s new?
- How are you doing?
This shows that you are interested in getting to know them better and that you care about what’s going on in their life. It’s not too personal because they can answer with whatever they want and these are common questions. But it still shows you care.
People don’t give great answers here very often, so it’s good to have a better follow up question.
- How was your weekend?
- You doing anything fun this last week?
- What was the highlight of your weekend?
- Do you have any good plans for the upcoming weekend?
Your goal is to make them think a little harder and give you more insight into their life. When someone tells you they’re doing well, you don’t learn much. But if you ask, “For any particular reason?” they may open up and say that they just passed a huge test and open a floodgate of conversation.
Lastly, if you know about something going on in their life from the last time you two spoke, follow up! Show them that you remember your last conversation and care about how things are progressing. Here are some examples:
- You went to a wine festival this weekend, right? How was it?!?
- Did your sister hear back about that marketing job?
- Have you decided where you’re going to go for your honeymoon yet? I remember you saying you guys were on the fence between Italy and Norway.
- Did you end up trying that new Mexican restaurant we talked about?
If you can add a question like this, you’re better at reconnecting than most people. This immediately recalls the bond you already built and proves that you truly care about connecting with them.
You get this info for recalling your bond by being curious and learning about them, as we discussed in Module 3. If you have this opportunity, make sure you take it. In fact, do everything you can to find opportunities like this.
3. Connect.
Alright, you’ve made this a personal conversation. Now you want to build a stronger connection by using the strategies from Lesson 3.3 Making People Feel Closely Connected with You.
- Be curious
- Relate to what they say
- Make them feel good about themselves
If you already know what type of soft invite you’re going to mention, direct the conversation to that topic. For example, if you know that they enjoy craft beer, you can ask them a question related to it.
- Hey, you mentioned you like craft beer right? What are your favorite breweries around here?
- Have you ever been to Four Sons Brewery? That’s one of my favorites.
- What kind of beers are you into right now?
By moving to this topic, you are setting yourself up for the perfect soft invite.
If you don’t know what your soft invite will be, no problem. Keep connecting with them and learning about their interests until you find something that you think you’d both enjoy doing together.
What to Do Once You Start Connecting Again
Once you’re connecting with the other person, just continue the Friends From Scratch process. You can keep enjoying the conversation while building your bond with them or you can move it forward by throwing out a soft invite, getting their contact info, and going for the hard invite.
It’s okay if you don’t go for the soft or hard invite, just understand that you need to start hanging out outside of your current setting if you want to take this friendship to the next level. And the way to do that is by inviting them to hang out.
Also, things can happen differently than I’ve discussed. For example, you could toss out a soft invite to your entire group by saying, “Hey, I’m going to hike Willow Trail this weekend. If anyone wants to join let me know.” This is perfectly fine and you may end up having multiple people join you. Just make sure you still have one-on-one conversations with people so you build that personal connection with them.
At this point, you have all the tools you need to build an amazing relationship. It’s just a matter of doing it.
The good news is that it’s pretty easy to assess any relationship and see what you need to do.
- Do you have their contact info? If not, you need to build or reignite a connection, throw out a soft invite, then ask for their number.
- Maybe you have their number but you haven’t reached out yet. You know you should keep in touch by saying something relevant that adds value to them.
- Did you join a new group that you haven’t attended yet? Go to Module 2 and make sure you meet people the right way.
In the next lesson, you’ll learn about meeting up with your new friend and taking the relationship to the next level.
Action Steps
Quickly recall your connection with someone the instant you see them again by doing the following:
1. Say hi, use their name, and look them in the eyes.
Here’s an example: “Hey, John.” Very simple.
2. See what’s new and how they are doing.
Some examples:
- How’s it going?
- How are you?
- What’s new?
Follow up to get a better answer:
- Oh no, what’s wrong?
- Awesome to hear. Any particular reason you’re doing so well?
- Really? I’d love to hear more.
- Did you do anything awesome this weekend?
Ideally, you want to ask about something they mentioned last time you spoke to them:
- How was your soccer game this weekend?
- Did you end up surfing this weekend? How was it?
- Are you getting excited about your upcoming trip?
3. Connect.
Proceed with building a connection.
- Be curious
- Relate to what they say
- Make them feel good about themselves
4. Continue the Friends From Scratch process.
Keeping building a stronger connection while enjoying your conversation or try to move it forward by tossing a soft invite, getting their contact info, or going for the hard invite.